Thursday, December 10, 2009

line 9?

Yes, losing count. As I am unsure which of the threads is the 'real' one, the count is a tiny bit off. Too bad. So we know that Viola has reached the hen house and that it is raining and it is dawn.
The hens were quiet, settled, sleeping in the feathery fug of their tiny shelter.
This is not too bad. I like the contrast between Viola's discomfort with the rain and her woollen skirt, and the peace of the hens. 'Feathery fug' might be a bit much. I think I have a problem with liking alliteration. It seems a bit too 'headline'. Blame sub editors for debasing alliteration ... Nah, I don't really mean that; some of my best friends ...
It was warmer than the house, here with the hens.
Perhaps things are the wrong way around. Should hens be warmer than humans? I suppose the hens would have no objection as long as that warmer place wasn't a pot.
Viola felt her shoulders drop. Warm and dry. It was like another country. She could hardly wait for Spring to come. But Spring didn't mean new growth and ripening sun now. It meant the battle fields got busy again.
I like her shoulders dropping and the short sentences here. It is possible that I am telling too much in these couple of line about the war and her feelings about it. Should this be veiled for a little longer? Probably. I think that the final line might take us out of the period. It has a distinctly contemporary flavour - 'got busy' in particular - but perhaps not. It is closer in flavour to the last thread in my last post. Makes Viola a more contemporary heroine. Which is, I think, a good thing. But not authentic. Dang.

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